Hello Rabbi Anava, I am a Jewish woman from Toronto who has recently become more observant. I watched your youtube video on teshuvah (it was very helpful and insightful) and now understand the steps towards attaining proper teshuvah. In my secular life but also since I have been on the derech I have lied and spoken lashon hara. I have lied so many times to different people, and thought/spoken negatively about so many people, that I do not even remember all the lies I have told or negative things I have thought/spoken about. I have therefore also done Chilul Hashem, because I have spoken negatively about others and lied while appearing (externally) more observant. In short, I feel very upset, guilty and afraid. I know I have let Hashem down. I do not know how to redeem myself because I cannot even account for all the wrongdoings I've done and am now "cut off" from Hashem. I am only at the beginning of becoming more observant and feel as though there is no point even continuing because I will never be accepted into Gan Eden. Is there anything I can do to redeem myself for these sins in this lifetime? I want to continue on this derech but feel as though I have already failed when I have only just begun.